Scared? Maybe You Should be Less Selfish

Speaking in public is scary. It causes a real reaction in your body, the fight or flight response, that results in adrenaline surging through your arteries, sweat breaking out on your forehead, and your heart rate peaking. Often when you’re in the grip of a fight or flight response, your brain stops functioning normally, and all you can think of is yourself, and how to get out of the speech you’re about to give.

But aren’t you being just a little selfish? There’s a room of interesting, curious people waiting for you, and you want to break a promise you made them, because you’re scared. And what are you scared of? Those same interesting, curious people out in the audience.

I’ve written about how avoiding narcissism can make you the centre of attention. If you avoid narcissism, you might also be a little less afraid as well. You can only feel fear when your attention is focused on yourself, when you are in a selfish mindset. You are wondering about your body reaction, wondering what the audience thinks about you, wondering if you’ll be judged well.

When you direct your attention out into the audience, you won’t feel your fear. Instead, you’ll be seeing things from their point of view. Never say to yourself, “I’m afraid”. Just turn your attention and energy out into the audience. As you become attentive to the audience’s point of view, you’ll understand their mood, curiosity and interest. You’ll be able to respond to that curiosity and interest by delivering the information and value only you can give.

Understanding the audience mood is the key to delivering dynamic, energising presentations that will leave them thinking, talking, and understanding your message. If you’re feeling stage fright, try being less selfish. See things from the audience point of view, and your fear will fade into the background.

Ben Wilson wrote this post from his small room in his small house near the ocean. If you enjoyed this, you might like to sign up for his free communication tips. The newsletter also has less talking in third person.

Narcissism: Cut it Out to be the Centre of Attention

As speakers, we all have an element of narcissism in our presentations. We are there at the front of the room, the focus of attention, controlling the show, getting everything to go our own way. The paradox of public speaking is that while it seems to be a self-serving activity, it’s not. Narcissism is the worst attribute a speaker can display.

It’s a sticky trap, but narcissism in public speaking is a deadly method of losing an audience. It’s about energy. We give and receive energy all the time. But when a narcissist takes the stage, they simply take energy. All of it. They hijack the conversation, turning every story into something about them. Listening to a narcissist speak is like standing near a black hole, watching your energy drain into it, never to return.

An audience comes to receive. It might be knowledge, entertainment, or inspiration, but they want to receive something from the speaker. If you are a speaker who avoids the sticky web of narcissism, you must give energy instead of taking it. Your speech will be all about the audience. Their life, their situation, the fulfilment of their wants and needs. You’ll avoid the word I and instead use you, or we.

If you finish your speech and you’re drained of energy, then you’ve given your audience the energy it craved. If you finish your speech and the people in the audience are sitting on their chairs like discarded rubber glovers, then you might want to re-evaluate your style of speaking.

The best way to hold someone’s attention is to give them energy, to talk about them and their interests. Cut out the me, me, me attitude and become passionate about your audience. If you do, you’ll stay the centre of attention.

Ben Wilson wrote this post from his small room in his small house near the ocean. If you enjoyed this, you might like to sign up for his free communication tips. The newsletter also has less talking in third person.

How to Look Awkward and Uncomfortable When Presenting

In a darkened, hushed auditorium, somewhere in the world, there is an expert walking out on stage. She’s presenting on a topic she knows well, to an audience keen to learn what she has to share. Yet, the first thing she does when she reached the lectern is to adjust her jacket, to tug and twitch everything back into place. Then she stands with her hands clasped in front of her, shuffles her feet and rocks back and forth. Her hunched shoulders make her voice muffled, and with every moment, she seems to shrink, getting smaller…

She looks awkward and uncomfortable, and the audience soon starts to mirror her feeling. No one wins from this presentation.

When your audience first watch you walk on stage, they are already forming an opinion of you, and your presentation. Throughout your speech, your audience will revise that opinion, deciding if you are smart, confident, trustworthy, or interesting. They form these opinions, not by listening, but by watching your every movement.

If you have practised your speech, and you know your topic area well, you can still make your audience think you are unprepared, or ignorant, simply by the way you move. There are certain gestures and body movements that make you appear awkward, uncomfortable and nervous. If you can consciously control these movements, even if you are nervous, then the audience, and you, will really pick up in energy and the information can start to flow.

Here are three movements that make you appear awkward and uncomforable:

1. Adjusting your clothing on stage. Have a moment in the restroom to check your appearance in the mirror, then leave yourself alone. Your tie, your jacket, and your blouse all look great, and the audience doesn’t want to watch you getting dressed.
2. Crossing your arms over your body. This makes you appear closed and shielded. It can also interfere with microphones and your voice and breathing. There are many variations of this, from folded arms to the fig leaf, but all give the impression of discomfort.
3. Standing with your hands in your pockets. This hunches your shoulders, and messes your suit. It is the ideal posture to adopt if you want to look like a sulky teenager. When your hands are in your pockets, you also have the chance to distract the audience by jingling the coins and keys you keep in there.

Gesture and body language can make up over 70% of the message we send to the audience. If you are awre of the way you move, you can make sure the right message is being transmitted.

Ben Wilson wrote this post from his small room in his small house near the ocean. If you enjoyed this, you might like to sign up for his free communication tips. The newsletter also has less talking in third person.

Facing Speaking Fear by Playing Your Own Part

My favourite method of dealing with stage fright is to imagine that I am an actor, playing a role in a performance. The only remarkable thing about my acting is that it’s for the role of me.

When I was in front of the audience I used to imagine I was wearing a mask, or visualise my clothes as a suit of armour. But as I became more aware of the audience I was delivering to, I realised that I was actually closing my self off from them. By treating the audience as something hostile, I was making my communication defensive, and hiding my authentic self.

I adopt the role of myself, playing me to the best of my ability, so that I present an authentic, humorous, genuine character study. Luckily, I know how to play myself very well. This little mind game, pretending to act out my own part, allows me to disassociate from the presentation just enough to keep from being affected by the fear.

Every presentation I do is part of me – I put myself deeply into them. So when the audience judges the presentation, as they surely do, by playing my own part, I become less invested. Now, the audience is judging the playwright’s work, not me the actor.

Fear is an element of every presentation. But with preparation, practice, and the intention to play your part, your communication skills will flourish. In your next presentation, try shuffling a little sideways, and act out the role you’ve written for yourself.

Ben Wilson wrote this post from his small room in his small house near the ocean. If you enjoyed this, you might like to sign up for his free communication tips. The newsletter also has less talking in third person.

7 Ways Exercise Can Improve Your Communication Skill

About six months ago, I started an exercise campaign to get myself back into some semblance of fitness. I don’t enjoy exercise. It is just one of those unpleasant, necessary, time-consuming activities.

I have noticed that my speaking and communication skills have improved the fitter I have become. I guess this is logical, as most of the flaws in my speaking style are a result of the fight or flight response I get as the fear kicks in before the presentation. Because I’m now fitter, my body can handle the physiological symptoms much easier, and the effects show much less obviously.

Breath

The most noticeable benefit has been on my breathing. The cardio exercise I’ve been doing has increased the capacity and efficiency of my lungs. On stage, I now take slower, deeper breaths. This gets more oxygen to my brain, and I find I can think and talk clearly.

Heart Rate

With every exercise session, I feel like my heart couldn’t beat faster, but all the vigorous star jumps have resulted in a strong heart. Now, as I go up to the stage, and my body starts the fight or flight response, my heart beat stays pretty steady. This probably isn’t noticeable from the audience, but I feel considerably more confident when my heart isn’t racing.

Efficiency

Exercise makes your muscles more efficient. This means that as the blood pressure rises and the muscles tense under the adrenaline push, they stay cooler. What am I saying? I don’t sweat and I don’t flush. Both these responses are clear indicators of nerves to the audience, so eliminating them is brilliant.

Posture

Improving my core strength has resulted in a noticable improvement in how I hold myself. Gone are the slouched shoulders and collapsing tummy. My stronger torso gives me the ability to stand up, tall and confident. If I look it, I am it.

Energy

For some reason, the exercise is making me more energetic rather than less. I don’t understand how this works, but the more energy I burn, the more I get. This makes me feel dynamic and passionate on the stage. I’m moving about more, using bigger gestures, and having fun.

Stamina

I have more energy, and it lasts longer. I have a greater stamina – I can do an hour long presentation at work, take questions, and still feel like I’ve got more. This is a big change for me, as I used to be thoroughly milked after a big day like that.

Thinking

The most interesting benefit of my fitness has only come recently, as I’ve found time to get away from the guided class and step out for a run on my own. The meditative pounding of feet on path leaves me with a very personal space to reflect, plan, and mentally rehearse presentations. People don’t talk to me when I’m running. I tell myself this is because I’m too fast, but it’s probably because I look like I may collapse if I stop. No one wants that on their conscience.

I started exercising simply to prevent my body from becoming even more potato like. But the benefits of  a vigorous physical training regime have really helped my communication. I still can’t claim I enjoy exercise, but it is a part of my routine now, and the thinking time, the energy and the stamina are all too valuable to lose. Is it time for you to dust off your running shoes?

Ben Wilson wrote this post from his small room in his small house near the ocean. If you enjoyed this, you might like to sign up for his free communication tips. The newsletter also has less talking in third person.

Shooting over our Shoulder

Sometimes I imagine myself as a gangster hero, running from the law and living the romantic life that any hero lives. One thing that gangsters are skilled at (the movies tell us) is shooting over the shoulder. Running down the street, and pausing just for a moment to crack off a shot with just a stylish twist of the body.

In real life, this is pretty much impossible. You would have more chance of hitting your opponent if you took off your shoe and threw it. The over the shoulder shot does not give you the base of stability you need for shooting, and the fact that you are likely to be puffing means the pistol barrel will be wobbling around like a new born lamb.

Yet so many people communicate with over the shoulder shots. Rushing from meeting to meeting, room to room, café to café, firing off remarks with no idea who’ll catch them, understand them, or take action on them.

If you want your words to strike home, breathe evenly and deeply. Take a firm stance, facing your audience. Ready, aim, fire.

The Guiding Light of a Difficult Conversation

After an fascinating conversation on Twitter with @coachbythesea (Randi Buckley), I found this phrase very compelling. We were talking about the value of empathy in difficult conversations, one of Randi’s specialities.

Randi believes that empathy decreases the fear in a difficult conversation. If you approach a conversation with compassionate intention, then you will always be able to move forward. Such intention becomes your “guiding light.” I asked Randi if some people, without a natural empathy, were always fearful of difficult conversations, but she believes that such people would actually approach the conversation armoured with facts, and so be without fear. But the conversations would not progress to a resolution smoothly, if at all. The good news is that most people can learn empathy.

The sea and shore image comes from a trip I took to Raglan on the west coast of the North Island. I embellished the view with an imaginary light house.

Secrets of Communication from an Opera Recital

Last month, my wife and I went along to operatic recital from husband-and-wife singers John Murray and Anna Corrs. These two world-class performers live locally, but it was my first chance to actually see and hear them live. The recital, part of the season program from Tauranga Musica, was composed of favourites of the performers, a variety of operatic pieces by composers from different periods and languages.

A Deeply Engaging Performance

Watching these two experienced artists perform works which were familiar yet foreign was deeply engaging. I was astonished that complex emotions — tenderness, frustration, lust, and anger — could be so convincingly conveyed without a word of English. Murray and Corrs made use of gesture, vocal variety and voice projection to build drama, display emotion and free themselves of giving a boring, static performance.

Murray and Corrs both used gesture to maximise the impact of their emotive delivery and convey more context around the story each song told. Because they are professional singers and dramatists, I expected the big movements of stage performance. But those movements play a valuable role that I find easy to forget as a communicator; not everyone in the audience will sit close enough to see what I am doing with my hands. Big gestures mean that all the audience get the message. An interesting technique, I noticed the performers use was to actually move a little slower than normal, and to use the entire arm in the gesture, with open hands clearly visible all around the room. This slow, bold gesturing style gave the singers are very graceful appearance, almost like ballet dancers, without the leaping (or the tights).

Often in a recital, the performers remain predominantly in one location on the stage, captured by the podium and microphone or transfixed by the audience gaze. Murray and Corrs showed how effective it was to move around the

stage, singing without notes or amplification, and appearing totally comfortable dramatising the little stories in front of the audience. As they moved about the stage, interacting with each other, the singers really demonstrated the intention of each piece. As with their hand gestures, they kept the movement slow, bold and graceful. In one piece, they started with an angry stance back to back, and finished with a tender (audience appropriate) embrace. The stance and the positioning on the stage really drove the momentum and pacing of the story.

What Can We Learn?

As communicators presenting less ambitious themes and stories than those on the operatic stage, what can we learn from watching professional singers on stage? We can take away three lessons.

Use Generous Open Gestures

First, use generous open gestures and be willing to move around the stage. Use a powerful voice so that you are not tied down by the microphone. Your gestures and movements are then free to use up your entire stage giving the presentation enjoyable presence.

Move And Speak Slowly

Second, move and speak slowly. During a presentation it is harder to get your message across. You need to move at the pace the audience can understand you. That pace will be slower than you think, so move slowly.

Be Emotional

Thirdly, don’t be afraid to be emotional. You audience will never be more emotional than you. Every presentation that you give should pack a powerful emotional message. This helps you to get your point across and makes your story much more memorable.

I’ve learned three valuable lessons from singers John Murray and Anna Corrs – Use big gestures, move slowly, and be emotional. Now, I just need to learn to sing in Italian.